Bonjour,

(This is not a post like the others. This is just me sharing my feelings with you...)

There are a lot of things that scare me. Being away from the safeness of my own home and country makes me that much neurotic and scared. My fears could be of tangible things, like being robbed or assaulted or something undoubtedly scary like that; but my fears grow on that dark place inside myself I try to avoid. My main fear is to feel/be lonely. That is a scary thought! The fact that I don't have five of my dearest and oldest friends as close to me as a 10 minute ride helps to nurture this monster. The fact that I don't have my dear mom on the other room is just food for the beast!

The fear of being alone is common to most human beings. We are first of all social beings. To survive we have to exist and live in society; it is vital for our existence to have a network of people around us. So my fear is not un-logical, but a very rational one even(if you think fears are logical). In many ways, however, I am blessed and lucky. I don't have to wait a month to receive a letter from a friend or relative, I don't have to travel for days to get home... Thank God for technology! On our modern age, technology is like a safe blanket you can rely on to keep you warm and safe and never lonely. Thanks to the internet I get news from my friends every day and I talk to my mother every night and I can even see her! It's a wonderful thing! But despite all these great wonders I still have that little thing inside of me that hides in the deep shadows of my being...There are some bad days and then there are the horrible days: the ones I wake up feeling homesick and just plain sad. Missing home and the people you love is a great feeling when you're on vacation, because you know you'll be home soon. But in my case, not so great!

During my adolescence years I was a teenager with a lot of friends! That is until I've learnt, the hard way, what being a friend really means. When I got into college my friendships changed a lot and I went from having a million best friends to have only 5. Those are the ones I know, for sure as I know the sun will rise tomorrow, will always be there for me and will do everything to help me or make me happy. I have nourished these relationships since then very carefully, because (here comes the cliche!) no man is an island! The popular wisdom tells us long distance relationships don't usually survive. The physical connection is as, if not more, important as the emotional one. Friendships have it easier because there's no need for...well sex! The physical part is not That important, although I do like my friends' hugs! So friendships have a better chance to survive the distance, but an effort has to be made. This is what I fear the most...what if, one of these days, my friends feel I am not worth that effort? The little beast inside of me is growing stronger and stronger as I imagine this situation...How would I survive? How would I get by?

So, my dear, dear friends please know how much I love you all and how much I really, undisputedly, need you to live and breath and walk and chase my dreams in this far far away land! Please make that effort as I do mine. We all have busy lives and personal crisis and that's the main reason we need friends and people who loves us around :)

All my love,

Papillon